The Stars We Will Navigate

"Fall back in love eventually"

2012-01-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah....

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted on this thing. What an incredible year 2011 was. So many changes, it was like starting over. Now, I sit here on January 9, 2012 and just wait. Wait for life to take off. I can feel that new things will happen, for the best. I want things to happen. I want to feel accomplished.

"Can you whisper?"

I love everything that I have. I love everything I want. I love everything I've lost. WE are so young, young but never dumb. WE know what we're doing. WE know everything that we want. What are we waiting for?

Let's make it happen- together.

"I've Got a Plan, Look Forward in my Eyes"

2011-09-28T00:31:00.001-07:00

You have shown me about the world. You are something that I never want to lose. This past week, on two occasions, you have given me these feelings of security. I don't think I have ever felt this safe and secure.

"Now that you know...me"

2011-09-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

New blood, new clean blood. How much can we ruin without making it obvious it was me who ruined everything?

Needless to say, I have done nothing. Sadly, my life is a bore. Sometimes I wonder if I should create this epic war between two creatures in order to have something exciting happen.

Deathcab for Cutie ... Again

2011-08-27T01:13:00.001-07:00

August 16, 2011

Les Miserables

2011-08-23T00:22:00.001-07:00

Took my breath away.

San Francisco

2011-08-23T00:21:00.001-07:00

July 26- July 28 :)

"Dear Friend, As You Know..."

2011-08-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

As the summer of 2011 comes to a close; there are lessons that I want to share with the whole universe, more like the 5 people that read my blog. I didn't complete my summer list, but that's all right. I have my whole life to read a book, or visit Queen Califah. It was a wild summer, let me tell you. I met up with old friends, made new friends, and made great memories that will forever live in my mind. There is a short time to enjoy your youth, hopefully for me that time won't be so short. I want to live my life pretending that it's always Summer. It's my last year of college and I have to make it count, all while completing my dream of getting that BA. Furthermore, I wish to write about the lessons that I have learned over summer are as follows;

-One lesson: Once a liar, always a liar.
-Second lesson: Good friends will always be there. No matter how long you go without seeing each other, when you finally do meet it's like you never left.
-Third lesson: There is always room for more friends. Even though it might take some time, it is one of the easiest things to do.
-Fourth Lesson: In order to achieve greatness, you must fail.

Time flies by, people will leave, and memories are all that are left. These memories are forever yours, to have and to hold 'till death do you part. Make the most out of your life. You only live once, disregard what people tell you and enjoy your life. You are the only person that can show you what life really is about. Friends are accessories that are with you through the journey. Life is what you make it, don't ruin it.

The Museum of Tolerance

2011-08-19T12:59:00.001-07:00

A good learning experience. Left Paul Perez speechless.

Vegas!!!!!!!!

2011-06-21T08:16:00.001-07:00

Rain Nightclub @ The Palms
A view from the strip...

Amazing trip :)

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The Greek, Florence + the Machine

2011-06-21T08:13:00.001-07:00

June 14th 2011

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Deathcab for Cutie

2011-06-11T22:45:00.001-07:00

El Rey Tuesday June 7th, 2011
One of the best days of my life.

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Hosp Grove Park

2011-05-31T09:43:00.001-07:00

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"The Great Salt Lake"

2011-05-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

My Summer To Do List (Does not end here...)

1. Band of Horses
2. Learn to surf with Paul's help
3. Museum of Tolerance
4. Hosp Grove Park (BEAUTIFUL)
5. Queen Califah
6. Red Bull Soapbox Race ---> May 21, 2011 (DIDN'T ATTEND :/)
7. Vegas ---> June 18, 2011 - June 20, 2011
8. Les Miserables
9. Finish a book
10. Florence ---> June 14, 2011
11. Deathcab ---> June 7, 2011
12. Volunteer at the Wildomar Library
13. Salvation Mountain, Niland California
14. (enter text here)
15. (enter text here)
16. (enter text here)
17. (enter text here)

"I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train"

2011-04-13T21:05:00.001-07:00

Why is it so hard to find someone that will actually want to hang out with me without any excuses? I mean, if everyone is too busy then why make plans? I guess, it just goes to show you that no one is loyal. Thanks for nothing. That's two weeks in a row that I was flaked on.
Now this. Forgive world, but What did I do to deserve loneliness?

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"Won't stop 'till it's over"

2011-04-03T12:49:00.001-07:00

Hmmmm, Paul Perez you took the words right out of my mouth. Let's go on vacation again. To a place far far away. Maybe that will distract us from the nonsense of the world.

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"If there's a God up in the air, someone looking over everyone"

2011-03-30T00:28:00.000-07:00

I want to make peace with everyone that I have faulted. Everyone deserves a second chance. A new ideology that I have learned to practice. What if it turns out to be a good thing? You never know, you won't until you try.

"She killed him with kisses"

2011-02-14T01:45:00.001-08:00

Life as of right now is good. People need to control their emotions and realize that the world doesn't revolve around them. The best thing for people to do is to shut up and listen to themselves. Don't they realize they are being immature?

On a good note, Saturday was amazing. I had a wonderful day with Pauly. He is the most amazing boy in the world. He takes my breath away.

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"But they all didn't see, a little bit of sadness in me"

2011-02-06T23:11:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel Like I have hit a wall. I want to discover more than What I actually know. People all around me are having a blast but it feels like I am stuck here on repeat. I love who I am and who my partner is. It isn't that it's the fact that other lives are more interesting than mine. I want to feel noticed and happy. When I lost my friends who was there to help me reach the top? I was, with a little help from my fish. I now realize who is truly my friend and who was lying this whole rims about wanting to be my friend. As soon as the bitch came back, I was lost. I was put into the back of their mind and I was silenced. I was that person trying to fix things and you were the one to leave. This time I grew stronger and you grew smaller. Resorting to old flames is a mere tactic used by someone who has no idea where their life is headed. Only straight into the ground I say. Only deeper and deeper the hole will get. Climb and see what hand is there. The little piece inside of me that wanted You back is gone. This time you're the one to blame. For I wanted You back and you saw nothing.

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"If time is my vessel then learning to love might be my way back to sea"

2011-02-05T23:07:00.001-08:00

Interpol, I love you. You are the soundtrack to my heart and soul. You are a piece of me and always will be.

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"The Funeral"

2011-02-01T23:59:00.001-08:00

I love the city. I love the lights. I love the look you give me when I laugh uncontrollably. I love the sun, the moon, the stars. I love the way your smile widens and your teeth begin to show. I love myself in bed with you. Crawling beneath the warm blankets that fill my mattress. The warmth you give me lasts forever.

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"Nobody can save you"

2011-01-10T19:21:00.001-08:00

Withering in the cold deserted night. The only person I would want to be with is you....

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"The streets are all violent with murderous excitement "

2011-01-09T23:17:00.001-08:00

For all eternity You will see. The things I do for you are all for me. I love you until my dying day. I must say you have me tied up in a knot. Below the giant whale, beneath its stinking tail, my heart will fly. Beneath this exterior lies the heart you fill with love and joy. The adventure I will breathe. The soul I will keep. The mountain we will climb. The roads we will commit. The sea We will stare each morning through the glare. The glare derived from the windows that lie in our house. The one we will build together. You are my team. Thank you for the past year.

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2011 Part 1

2010-12-29T21:40:00.001-08:00

I may not know what lies ahead. I may be down the wrong path. All I know, is I got rid of the human beings in my life that caused anger. I got rid of the pathetic losers that I played. I got rid of my pain and enjoyed my year.

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"Our love was lost"

2010-12-28T00:21:00.001-08:00

How happiness leaves the soul so quickly

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"We list every ounce, of your bright blood, and off with their heads"

2010-12-18T20:11:00.001-08:00

Hmm, the world is different with you. I don't know what it may be. But I love it.

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whoa

2010-12-13T23:17:00.001-08:00

Yeah, baby. It's going to be all right.....
Smile, for it will eat you alive....

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"Yeah you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek"

2010-12-03T23:40:00.000-08:00

My current life has to keep going, I am deathly afraid of two things right now, and they are not passing my classes with an A or a B and not getting the classes I need next semester. I have so much stress in my life, so much. No one knows how I feel on the inside. NO ONE. I want to go away and write a book about lies. That way no one will really know what is on the inside. I feel as empty as a drum, my knight in shining armor is dead to me. I have no money and no life. I must steer clear of the door for I am afraid of it opening and nothing being on the inside.

How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes

2010-11-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

I tried to be the bigger person.
I tried leaving you behind.
I tried making you realize that you need to change in order for me to decide to be "friends" again.
But let me tell you, I have found out some things about you.

One thing that I realized on my journey of leaving you behind, was the whole fact that you're never going to change. You will always be the victim. You will always be the one person that will always admit to their mistakes, only after they have done them a million times. You will never see yourself as the instigator, as the one person who fucked everything up. Pardon my language, for that was the one word that fit.

Two, I literally "struggle to find truth in your lies". You have never once been 100% honest with me. You never have, ever since we began our time. Ever since I was 15 years old. You have never been 100% honest, and for that.... for that.... I must thank you. Because you have shown me a side of the world that I never once knew, until I met you of course.

Three, I put everything into making everything work out for you and I. I told you everything that happened between me and other individuals for your sake. Because I am not you, I do not need to lie to you. I do not need to hide things from you, I showed you and told you everything as it was happening. For this, I know that I am a better person than you will ever be. I did not intentionally hide things from you so that you would be happy until you found out about certain things. I never once thought, "If I never tell him this, then he will be happy." I told you everything that I did because it allowed you to see what was going on, better hurt for a while then accept than to be happy not knowing what truly was going on.

Four, I trusted you with my life. I told you secrets that I had never told another soul. No, not that I pee in the shower, but my deep dark family issues. My deepest darkest secrets, the ones that you probably told your "Best friend(s), yes plural because apparently you do not know the meaning of having a best friend." I referred to you as my best friend, because that's who you were. You weren't my co-worker that I got along with, you weren't my co-worker that I saw 5 out of 7 days a week, I called you that because you were truly my best friend. I know the true meaning, and the year 2010 made me realize that I don't have any.
But after speaking with a certain someone, I realized that you blurt out everything that I tell you. Stop talking about me, everyone around you is getting tired of it. Plus, I hate people knowing who I am, without physically knowing who I am.

Five, you say you still love me. You are seriously mistaken. You hate the fact that I am happy. You hate it. You are miserable. You never let me forget. But in reality, you are so afraid of being alone, you need someone's attention 100% of the time in order for you to function. It doesn't matter who it is, it just needs to be a human being with a vagina. You love that pussy, you love it so much you are willing to make them wait around for you, yes at your house waiting for you. So don't sit there and pretend like me not being around is the end of the world, face it it's not 2012. You and I both know, you don't give a shit about me. If you really did care for me, why weren't you ever there to join me in my new life, that's right. You were too busy hating Paul to realize that he was the one person who could actually make me happy.

I hope you now see what I have done and what I have learned from having you in my life for the last five years. I find myself in a better place now, even though it's by loving someone who is not you. Even if it's by living somewhere else, and leaving you behind. I love my life, and even though it hurts me to not have you in it, I am far better without you than with you. You let me know that when you said that I didn't have to go with you to the Interpol show two days after you made an effort to let me know that I couldn't invite anyone else to it. The only reason you said I didn't have to go with you is because Mike was with you. How could you go from making me not invite Paul one day, than being like oh it's fine not to go with me two days later? Answer me that.

I know you won't read this. I know that you won't want to look at this. I know that you probably will not care much for this blog entry. But let me tell you, letting this all pour out of me felt so good. Tanner Malcolm Richard Dodge, I hope you have an amazing life with your wetback girlfriend that is still in love with her ex-boyfriend. Be good to all the people in your life. Thanks for making mine a living hell.

Dear You,

2010-11-28T13:00:00.001-08:00

I want to let you know that I am so extremely happy with our lives. You mean the world to me. I am so utterly happy because you make me So oooey gooey. There is So many reasons as to why You make me feel So amazing. I wonder why I can't express It in words.

I love how you put up with me. I love how You make be laugh. I love how you Don't let me be mean to You. I love how You play with my hair. I live how you put me to sleep. I love how you watch girly movies to make me happy. I love how you make me happy. I love how you Don't get mad at me for falling asleep while watching really scary movies. I love how you see who I really am and still love me for my flaws.

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I was never needed

2010-11-25T21:31:00.001-08:00

You and I both know that. You tried to keep me because you just didn't want anyone else to touch me. You were all lies And meant nothing more than what happened behind closed doors.

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Friends? What are those?

2010-11-21T12:49:00.001-08:00

I have lost that meaning. I do not know what a friend is. I need to move on. I need to move out of here.

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"The Animal Inside of You"

2010-11-20T01:07:00.001-08:00

I should not have driven home....

Point Blank

"I struggle to find any truths in your lies"

2010-11-16T10:47:00.001-08:00

It amazes me how much you can do to me and still expect me to be the same. To treat you the same. You're merely insane.

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"Love... It will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you, it will set you free"

2010-11-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

Why do I think that there are people in this world that hope to bring you peace and harmony? Why do I find myself thinking that in this world, people actually care about me. I understand that now, we all have a different life to live, but when all your "Friends" leave and flake, well that I take as plain stupidity.

I honestly have so much anger built up inside me, I feel like I will pop any day now. There are so many things that I want to say, but I always find myself holding back. This only further proves my theory to be true, people are idiots. It is really hard for me to talk about things to certain people, but when I finally do, it goes right back in my face.

I feel the people around me are so retarded and unprofessional that I hope they soon realize that the way they choose to live their life is completely wrong and completely stupid. I hate stupid people, and therefore I hate mankind.

In conclusion, I hate the idea of having friends. I think they are a load of crap. The only person I need is myself, the only person I need to thank is myself, the only person I need to help is myself. It literally is all about me.

I don't mean to be rude but you're beginning to piss me off

2010-11-01T23:48:00.001-07:00

I hate the idea of dealing with stupid people in your life. People need to grow up and begin realizing that things change. Life happens. Why aren't people prepared? Why don't people think about their future? Call me arrogant but I know I will have a better life because that is what I am working towards. I am not planning on staying here for the rest of my life. I have a fantasy I need to make a reality.

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This Last Week

2010-10-25T21:43:00.001-07:00

Has been amaZing for me. I finally got to see the band that I absolutely love, Interpol. They are an amazing band that are overlooked by some and simply irresistible to others, to me. I have waited so long to see them, and to finally get the opportunity is something that I appreciate. I want to thank Tanner Dodge and Paul Perez for giving me the pleasure of going with me. Now I can say that I can die happy, but not unless I am buried with a Harry Winston Necklace, Christian Louboutins, Tiffany's ring on my finger, and a Birkin Bag in one hand. Okay, now I can die.

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How can one make me feel so low

2010-10-11T21:01:00.001-07:00

Why do I let myself get down by someone who doesn't know anything. Someone who doesn't know a damn thing about feelings. I have never been broken down by someone like I let him break me down so much. I am starting to think If this is serious or just a game only meant to bring pleasure.

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I messed up

2010-09-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

My life is falling apart.

I am falling apart.

I cannot go on like this anymore.

I messed up one to many times.

I need to make big changes that will make my life better.

I do not like who I have become.

as the days go by

2010-08-18T20:49:00.001-07:00

life is interesting. I want to leave the people I don't need behind.

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To Surrender Beneath You

2010-07-21T23:04:00.001-07:00

is like suffocating the grass beneath my feet.

Tormenting the sun with your glory.

All in All, I have to say my Goodbyes and my Friendly Hellos

2010-07-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

I have found myself in the slightest bit of a predicament. I love my life for what it is, I don't love the life I lead. I had such a wonderful day today, The day was full of surprises. I wish everyday was like today.

I have plans and new plans and old plans that will follow.

I love the way the sun feels except not in 100 degree weather.

I love the way I feel after I work out.

I love doing yoga. It brings out my strength and makes me feel like I can actually be good at something. I want to be better and become a yoga master. That would be amazing. Having enough flexibilty and enough practice that I could actually be good at something. I love it.

Thank you for your time and effort.

Goodnight Sunlight. See you tomorrow.

This is merely in regards to "The Pains of Daily Life"

2010-07-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

I was wrong yet again. This journey of life is a bitch and I hate it.

The fish, a squirmy fellow, a bitch to comply to. I beg for your forgiveness but I cannot rely on you any longer. You despise the time you are with me and for that you must leave. Giving me only two days out of your week to spend a few hours with the one you "Love". Time is nothing, life is nothing. you are nothing.

The Boy, An asshole. The person in this world I have learned to hate. The liar, The cheater, The lover, The one person in this world I would let me hurt me the most. I hate you for that. I hate you for being the one person in the world that lets me beat myself up. The one person that I can sure as hell know will never be there. The one boy in the universe whom I want to see dead.But I don't really mean that, for he is the one person I will never ever get rid of in my life...

The Best Friend, The Joy, The truth, I love you. Enough said.

The world. I hate the trials you put me through, the forks in the road that end in cracks that make the earth turn. i hate the life I lead. I hate who I have become.

The Pains of Daily Life

2010-06-25T21:52:00.001-07:00

For the past week I have decided that in my life, I honestly do not have very many people to rely on. If I lose one person in my life they will never be back. I do not have many people in my life that I trust or even hang out with. The two people I constantly hang out with are Paul and Cristal.

Paul hangs out without me because he is my boyfriend. He has to, it's part of the job.

Cristal is the one person in my life that I can always count on and always have there. She is the world to me. She is the lightbulb to my lamp. She has never ever left my side. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. She is seriously the best person in this world. She is going to heaven. Anyone who has her in their life is the luckiest person.

People have left my life, some by choice others by my choice.

I honestly felt alone. I feel alone most of the time. But in reality. I have all that I need, all that I will ever need. I am grateful for what and who I have in this world. Just because my phone isn't blowing up all the time anymore, it doesn't mean I have completely abandoned myself.

Lord knows I'm weak

2010-06-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

my soul.....

I feel like life as it is, is simply wonderful. You gotta know me before I begin to even like who you are. You are simply a divine person. You are someone that I would like to portray as a young child in a cave feeling the wind touch upon the last fiber in their body. Being young, undone, yet clever like a insignificant event that changes someone's entire life.

So Wait........

2010-06-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

A new month begins and I hope that this month will start something new in my life. Something that I can be proud of. A year ago I was going through rough times and now all of that has changed. I pray that my life stays where it is right now. I am in a good place, where I have an amazing best friend who is always there for me. She wants nothing but good things for me. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love very much, and I want to come home now for I secretly think Spain isn't nearly as beautiful as southern California. (That was a joke, I hope all understood.)

I still cannot differentiate liars from people who seem to forget things. People lie. End of story. It just sucks knowing or for that, not knowing when and why people lie to me. Maybe it's just karma?

For now, I must focus on a few simple things that are going on. #1- My relationship with Paul. #2- Strengthening my friendship with Cristal. #3- Throwing the most badass birthday party I could ever throw!

I cannot wait for my love to come home, I hope he comes bearing gifts... or else....

I love this journey that I decided to travel. I am really glad to have these two people in my life for they keep me sane. I love them so much. I really do. They are a wonderful couple of atoms that were combined to create two human beings that were meant to guide me on my journey.

Day One

2010-05-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

We climb together. Friends we once had and were so called there for us leave because they cannot deal with the "pains of daily life" the taste of sorrow leaves my mouth as I hope to be a better person through all of this. Ideas I had of friendship are all gone, they all have left my memory and mind forever. People lie. People lie for fun. People lie to make themselves feel better because they are so low in their life they must bring us down. In order to pretend to be happy. Happyness is overrated.

But I, my dear friend, I have found happiness. No, not in money as many who know me think I would find happiness in. I found it in Paul Perez.

Paul Perez is the only boy in the world that has told me from the beginning, "Love...Love is not something to be taken lightly". He also let me know being friends after having a serious relationship is not an option. (As much as I want to disagree.)

For this, I fell deeply in love.

I leave all past posts up for the they were once believed to bring happiness into my life.

I feel that growing up does not necessarily mean you lose who you are. It is baout finding who you are meant to be in life. We are given a path to walk, and many times we arrive at forks in the road. Make the right path and you will find eternal happiness. In life we go through many stages that bring us to realize many things. We wear out everything life gives us only to ask for more. I am at a point in my life where I only know one thing. ME.

To Ease This Idea of Pain

2010-05-14T23:02:00.001-07:00

I am a hopeless romantic, feeling the world is complete whenever you are with them.
I am a part-time optimist, for nothing in the world should ever be looked at with happiness and harmony.

People deserve some pessimism in their life.
I am someone who desperatly needs attention, to sort out the truth from the lies.
I am a mean person, who loves to torture you.
I am looking for love, end.
I am in need of a person to hold and love forever, call 909 4**-5***.
I am a dancer, a rhythm in every step.
I am a comedian, laughs and laughs more than words.
I am a heart felt person, who hates to be soft.
I am a brick wall, dare to break it down?
I am Denise Yoval, Be me.

Can Anyone Hear My Soul

2010-05-12T22:31:00.002-07:00

See the bright spot? That's where I want to be.

Your remains lay deep in my soul

2010-04-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

You blossom like a cold winter.
You appear as easily as clouds on a rainy day.
Your soul, I took.
It follows me around closer than my shadow.
You appear in my mind every morning.
You are there when I close my eyes as lay my head down to sleep.
Why must you always be there.
You are a drug, as terrible as you are to my body. To my soul, To me.
I can't get enough.

-Burn-

2010-03-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

Oh mama don't walk away
I'm a goddam sore loser
I ain't too proud to stay
But I'm still thinking 'bout you
And I'm so lonesome without you
And I can't get you out of my mind
Oh mama don't leave me alone
with my soul sat down so tight it's like a stone cold tomb
Ain't it clear when I'm near you
I'm just dying to hear you
Calling my name one more time
Oh so don't pay no mind
To my watering eyes
Must be something in the air
That I'm breathing
Yes'n I try to ignore
All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding
Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had
was just selfish and sad
To see you now with him
is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again
just to prove to me that you can
an I will stand here
and burn in my skin
Yes I will stand here
and burn in my skin

(This is for you, for I understand why this is so hard)

To evaporate beneath the warm sun

2010-03-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Like the whole world will fall beneath you. I often think about all the things that are in my life. I think about all the people who have made an impact and often wonder if they were really worth it. I think about all the people that could have been and the people that should have been. We all look at this picture and expect to see the universe. But where is it? Where is this wonderful fantasy land that I have so much trouble achieving? Can someone help me find this place. People enter my life out of the blue. Then as quickly as they came in they leave

When Reactions Turn Into Hurricanes

2010-02-24T21:24:00.001-08:00

Looking for the fire that fed the forest. The fire that was raging inside of me, burnt it down.

One Fast Move or I'm Gone

2010-02-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

so desperately bound by everything we once shared. We try to hold on to anything on the wall as if we are slowly drowning and no one can hear our last gasp of air

Will Someone Simply Come and Kidnap Me

2010-02-16T13:49:00.000-08:00

"I believe in gentle Harmony"

Oh No, everyday I wake up thinking about the world and the struggles that I have to overcome just to live one more day in this place I call home. I wonder if people will ever look at the world and say, "Today I will find the remaining pieces of the puzzle and give you a break for once in your life." But it rarely occurs like that, in the real world people only care about one thing and one thing only. THEMSELVES. I want to make everyone around me happy but this usually ends up backfiring on me, and I am usually left to find the puzzle pieces alone. I wish I could get lost in a forest and be completely at ease, the trees would take all the stress in my life, the grass would relieve me from life and create this bed of soft green layers that will comfort and soothe me as I lay and rest. The air would fill my lungs with nothing but harmony and love of nature. The sun would warm me with its rays filled with just light, no potential chemicals or hazardous material that will later cause me cancer. The forest would embrace me and I will be accepted without question of my mistakes made in this endless maze that I walk through.

"Help, I'm alive"... someone please drain me of life

Dear Ole History

2010-02-11T21:06:00.000-08:00

Life couldn't be any better, WHO DOESN'T LOVE A FOUR PAGE ESSAY ON THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS. I mean, this is my cup of tea, or should I say my cup of cranberry juice (i do not like tea). Sitting down, writing this essay using Paul Perez's words. I mean, technically they can be labeled as mine, since I am typing. We prefer to share the glory of this essay. It is the 6th day I have seen Perez, in a row. The weekend was simply amazing. The drive to and from LA was breathtaking, only because Senor Perez was there driving and chit a chatting along the way. Do not make fun of the word "chit a chatting" Perez, you know you wished you came up with that before I typed in on this blog post.

Maybe one day, You will let me read your mini blog. That you have hidden somewhere in your room.... (but where could it be?). I will tear your room apart, just you wait.

Well, today was a lovely day.... to read...to write...to look at the sky and wonder what is beyond those white cotton balls we call clouds. To me, they still are a bunch of cotton balls waiting to be used as make up removers.

A few more days until I see The Album Leaf, in the flesh. Maybe they are a bunch of leaves in an album with a boombox next to them playing a disk of music that never seems to stop. When ALWAYS FOR YOU, begins to play the crowd will roar with excitement.

Back to this torture.... "t-u-r-e"
he says

2010-02-04T10:59:00.001-08:00

I am just trying to stay away from the world. If only for a little while.

Everyday is a new day, we have to let go and discover it

2010-01-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

Today I tried releasing my stress and anger in a new way. By simply ignoring the world. I let go and talked to only my family and easy enough I lost some worries that my body held. I do feel terribly bad for he two people who actually care about my life, simply because I ignored them and they do seem a tad bit worried. I must let go of all we know. I cannot hold on too what is lost or what I do not have. Life goes on with or without you. Do not fall behind or you will not be able to catch up. I learned that life is simple but only if you want it to be. If you cause drama or if you bring bad into your life it is your fault and no one elses. Take responsibilty for your actions.

I cause a lot of pain in peoples life, I brought tragdey (sp) into their lives and I am the one responsible for that. I am the one who caused it. If I could break my heart just like I broke theirs then maybe, just maybe I could find reason. Reason as to why they are doing everything possible to let me know and never let me forget how much I hurt them.

I am so afraid that what I did to the Boy and the Beau I will do to the Fish. What if I am meant to be alone for the rest of my dear life. I am so confused and lost. The map that I once had led me down the wrong path. It led me to go somewhere completely opposite of where I was meant to be. I talk to the Boy and he brings back all the lost memories and the lost happiness that once filled my life.

Now, I must lay in this bed and ponder all the bad items I have done( for taking linguistics I now realized I do not have to write that after items, for the word that simply replaces the word items and we all know what I am talking about so adding the word That would simply make the sentence longer).

2010-01-20T21:42:00.001-08:00

Yeah. I often contemplate on whether i should delete old posts. But i realize that they were there because they once made me happy. I wasnt drunk. Just high

If you're leaving, just let me know.

2010-01-20T21:28:00.001-08:00

First day of Spring 2010. I feel the tension, and the stress arise.

"Though I love you, and my body still leaks like a sieve..."

I recall all the good times in my life, and I wonder why I must get annoyed of people that I like. I often feel like I call all the shots... but in reality I do not. It is a two way street. I do not have control of the waves that Hit the shores.

"I will lie awake and lie for fun and fake the way I hold you let you fall for every empty word I say....."

I am a very good liar, I have been told. I lie to make you feel better because I know that the truth will eat you alive. I lie because I do not want to see your pathetic face. I lie to laugh. I lie to make myself feel extravagant.

Everything I said is a lie. Am I that good?

"If you're coming home, just let me know."

I'm going to TEAR you apart

2010-01-18T08:28:00.001-08:00

Do you ever have the feeling as if the world is against you? At times I tend to feel this way, but lately it doesn't feel as if the world is against me, just people that I love. A person cannot understand why LIFE GOES ON. And for that, I need to put my life on hold and show them that life keeps going, it does not wait for anyone to catch up. If you do not keep up with this vicious cycle, it will eat you alive. It could do this in two ways, SLOW AND STEADY (begins by tearing you down piece by piece until you have absolutly nothing left, not even your character), or finishes you off rather quickly. I do not want anyone I love to fall into this trap, but unfortunately I have one person in my life that is galloping into this wooden glen, alone. I fear that this will break everything I once had with this person, and I fear that this will tear us apart.

I began this destruction a year ago. Life was not well so we decided to part ways. Actions speak louder than words, and apparently we were still as happy as could be arguing, yelling, crying because nothing changed. Eveuntually I began to grow apart, and so did he. We were happy, separate, alone. This change was for the best, until like a bullet he came into my life and began to LOVE again. Maybe the Love was there for all eternity, but it was the first time that I had seen it.

"Go," he said, as I went out on a date. #1 thing that began to tear him apart. "GO." I invested in the idea that everything would be ok. That everything would work out. Feelings change, People change, Life changes.* The new beau was everything a girl could ever want. Charming, adorable, cute, funny, sweet, tender, loving, and would spoil you like a princess. But for me, all these qualities and I could not love him. I did not have feelings for him. I still ponder this, only because I feel like I should have loved him but I am not capable of doing so. For that, #1 thing that began to make me a shitty person. #2 is tearing the Boy apart.

As school began, classes commenced, semester started, whatever you want to call it. I met this fish. I was not fishing, but somehow I managed to reel him in. Why? You may ask this, the answer is simply "I don't know". The "Fish" was unexpected, completely uncalled for. Out of the Blue. Whatever, point blank, No one knew that this was going to happen. Especially with the surfer with the mexican sounding last name, who sat in front of me in Linguistics 100, who I was terribly jealous of because he got nothing but 10s on his quizzes. The Boy says, "Feelings for him, are feelings that one has when they are 14." I say, "Feelings for him are real, and I have not felt like this since YOU came along and stole my heart." I love my fish, I love him....

Sadly, this brought an end to me and The Boy. Friendship is a word no longer in our vocabulary. Seeing him, would be like seeing an old enemy. I feel the hatred he has for me radiate from the text messages I recieve, or the calls I answer. All in all, I hope to think that it is disappointment versus hatred. I'd rather be hated then be disappointed in.

So much CONFLICT, and the year has yet to begin......

*At the end of 2009, I came to the conclusion that I had grown up. I am not the same person that I was in high school.

could it be im falling in love...with you baby

2010-01-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

Denise, you are the first and only girl I have ever liked.

You're the first and only girl I have ever loved.

You ARE everything I want.

And everything I need.

I think about having you and my life feels fulfilled.

Cause I have a significant other.

A second half.

I love you. :)

The Last Day of the Year, Part 3433

2009-12-31T21:09:00.000-08:00

To my fish-
I care about you dearly,you make me want to yell out on a rooftop, I want everyone to know,(if you read this one day just know that I mean everything I say),I have never met a fish like you. When you reel a fish out of water they jump around trying to get back into the deep dark abyss that they came from, but you were a different kind of fish. When I reeled you in, it was as if you were waiting to be reeled in by someone. No jumping came out of you. Now, you're the only fish in the bowl.

The year has come to an end, I am so happy for this year and I do not want it to be over. I am curious as to what 2010 has in store for Denise Yoval. I am no longer confused about love, or who I should love. I know what I want, and I know who I want. This year brought me so many new things to my life. I made some wonderful friends, and made room for new relationships to blossom.

The Year has Reached the End Part 1

2009-12-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

This year is almost over, 2009, was a year that I will never forget. BOYS, LIES, DRAMA, DECEIT, PARTIES, LUST, REBOUNDS, ILLNESS, TEARS,love,LAUGHS.... The moment 2009 began, I was a wreck, hating my life. The year gradually got better as I began to let go.

Spring 09-
I slowly began to reach out of my shell. I saw the loves of my life. I saw the began to see the brighter side of things. It was like there were blinds on the windows that I could not pull up. Then as the heat began to rise and summer approached, THE BLINDS WERE LIFTED.

Summer 2009-
Michelle is the most amazing woman in the universe. My partner in crime, SUMMER 09 was great partly because of her and all the crazy stories we have now to tell. Can not believe what happened this summer. Partied my heart out. Had a summer romance. Got hit by a car. REALized that there are other people in the world that will treat me better. To sum up the summer in 5 words "One Hell of a Time".

Fall 09-
School began, summer of 09 was simply amazing and a perfect way to begin the new school year. The school year led to the finding of a new fish. This fish took time to reel in, but in the end it was worth it. This fish has shown me the ocean... It was like I was stuck in this pond in someone's backyard. He came and showed me the ocean and all its secrets. Current progress on this fish = good.... slow and steady wins the race....

flushed away

2009-12-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

i cannot seem to find a cause to this thing i have. this sadness, this feeling of not doing anything, this restlessness, this feeling that no one or anything can make me happy

I Fall in Love Everyrday

2009-11-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

Simple enough as the title, I do not know what to do anymore. I feel empty, but I have two people in my life that "Love" me. I feel that they do not love me, but merely are in an illusion that they do. I feel that they do not know what love is, and the first thing that is closest to it, they must keep and hold and cherish until forever ends.

It is simple and easy to say it back to someone without meaning it, but saying it and feeling it is the greatest challange that someone must endure. I hate not being able to say it, I LOVE YOU.

Are you watching me? Am I different or am I the same?

The phone beeps and two people, same feelings or so they think. The one person who I think I have a crush on doesn't care to look at me the way I look at them. Honestly, the only reason I have feel as if I might have a crush on this person is because the attention is not there. IF I had this attention then life would be completely different. But if I had it then I would not be sitting here, thinking about this person feeling these feelings for this person I barely know.

I am a stupid girl, a stupid girl who wants everything in the world.... who wants the world and does not want to give the world a second look. Why must I do this, why must I be like this. Why can't I see what is right in front of me. Is it not good enough for me?

Friends...I love you more than lightning.

I can't love you anymore, I can't love you because I do not, and I do not know you, it is my attention whore ness getting in the way.

Surprise, Surprise

2009-11-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

Life is full of surprises.

NoVember 14th, 2009

2009-11-14T21:22:00.001-08:00

Had the best day ever. Met paul banks. the most amazing man in the universe.

I feel as empty as a drum

2009-10-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I am dumb enough to fail a test three times. Wow

Currently....

2009-09-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

So at the moment I am living the good life.filledI with stress delight fun fear sadness and love. Everyone around me is the safely to say doing all right. I love my life I love people in it even though sometimes they can be a hassle it's okay to let them fight but not for too long I have two great peome in my life who I am confused on the notion that if they happen to meet by strange conincidence that they might tear each others head off. I love who they are but not when they get upset when plans change.i

My current life....

2009-09-07T14:57:00.000-07:00

Love is in the air, My life is complicated at the moment. School is overwhelming, and work isnt bringing in the money. I wish i had all the answers, and i wish i knew the future. But we can not tell what the future has in store for us.

As of today

2009-08-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I should let everyone take care of themselves and I shall me happy for as long as I have to enjoy my youth

What is going on?

2009-08-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

I think it's fair to say that I have been having the time of my life. I have recently been in some sort of a dilemma but eventually time will take it's toll and let everything work out the way it's supposed to. I believe that everything happens for a reason and time will let lifes plan unravel for denise yoval

The 411, well Sort of...

2009-06-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

So I have been having a really good time lately, I love my cousin Michelle, and my best bestest friend Cristal barajas, they show me the good life.

For my birthday, as a second part to it I may add, Tanner Malcolm Richard Dodge took me to the Aquarium. It was a very lovely day and I had a wonderful time. Considering that the lakewood mall had a department size Forever 21. If you do not know already I am deeply in love with Jellyfish. I wish to own a jellyfish tank of my own one day.

I have had a really busy past couple of days, I love being busy and not having time to do anything. Because in reality, when you have to do nothing, you are obviously doing something. I have been trying really hard to save up for New York, don't get me wrong, I have enough money to go. Its just that when I return I would love to not have only 200 dollars in my account. It looks like me and Cristal will be leaving sometime in early august. Which is lovely, because i begin my American Sign Language class Aug 18, that is if I even register....

Anywho, I still extremely want my Swarovski Crystal Pave Earrings, that I saw at the Tyler Mall like four months ago. That is on my purchase before 2009 is over list. Maybe on the Purchase before New York list...

I love using elipses when i create a script using a group of nonsense words that will eveuntually make sense...

Goodnight Starry Night

2009-06-16T23:52:00.001-07:00

Well my day has been weird. Love is not true

It's Cool We Can Still Be Friends

2009-06-06T22:11:00.001-07:00

Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes
But it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily

And I still call you, but I get your machine
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And if I'm lucky, I guess, it's your roommate answering
But you're at the bar
Or at Gene's

And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand
We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet
Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes
But we don't sneak a kiss
When the waitress turns around

And we still watch movies, but we don't share the couch
And we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch
Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes
But you don't lay in my lap
The plot is slow, take a nap

You even stay over, but we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes
But we stay in our clothes
I'm only there so you're not alone

And you say that I hurt you in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer
Yeah, well, maybe I hurt you sometimes
Let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt - the wound isn't there

I guess that your truth is just the ghost of your lies
I guess your kind of truth is just the ghost of your lies
Your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time

So, I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk
Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey
I'm gonna get real fucking drunk
I'm pouring some whiskey right now
I'm going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out and forget your face
By the time I wake up...

Me

2009-06-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have two of the most amazing best friends in the whole entire universe. What can I say? Cristal Barajas and Tanner Malcolm Richard Dodge are two people in the world that have conquered who I really am. These two people have seen my ups and my downs. These two people love me for who I am, for who I choose to be. I am the luckiest person in the whole entire universe, to have these two people in my life. I love them with all my heart and soul.

incredibly ...

2009-04-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

i cannot believe what is going on.

what could i possibly do.

i feel so distraught, i feel like i don't have any one to talk to about anything.

iM best friend i feel like he just uses me for his own purposes and then when it comes to me needing help, he ignores me.

i called to talk, i have to talk to someone, but all i get is "ill talk to you in the morning, im tired"

then he texts me "i miss you"

what am i to do? i decide to stop talking to him, but then i call him.

what is wrong with me.

WOW

2009-04-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like no one is around to talk to me about the things in life that I want to talk about. I feel like my friends have lost me, I want to be around the world and the part of me that wishes she had everything but in the end I realize that I dont have anything. I want milk for my cereal and I wish that I had more than one thing in common with someone.

My Current Life

2009-04-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

I love this life that i happen to be a part of, except for the fact that i do not seem to fit in. I feel as if i lost myself at the beginning of this miserable year. a lot of things have happened that made this year so far a good one, for example i saw the loves of my life play at the Troubadour on Feb. 24 2009. i have had some amazing times with my best cousin Michelle, and i have had some GREAT times with my best friend Cristal.

My work life is great, i love the job that i have and it is great for me.

School is okay, i feel like i should be doing better but i don't know how to push myself any harder to reach the top.

Family, is fine

Friends. i need to make some more and i have to stop ignoring the ones that i have, some have to go away and some need to come back. i love my best friends, you know who you are, but the friends that i have i have to get to know better for i fear that i will never be able to see you

Thoughts, Life could be better, i want to love again and i want to be loved. after all i am a "nice" girl and nice girls are always looking for love.

Love is far, Love is close, you will never be able to obtain love for it does not exist

The End of 2008

2009-01-01T21:17:00.000-08:00

If life couldn't get any better, I spent the last year of my life having a blast. I love the boy who I happen to share my life with, and he was a big part of why it was 2008 was so amazing. A lot of this happened this year that really changed my life, but in the end it was all for the best, and I am glad to say that 2008 was the best year ever...

On a Snowy Evening, we fall back in love...

2008-12-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

Here is what happened on December 17, 2008

For all those lovely people out there

2008-11-20T21:46:00.000-08:00

who do not know who my "Night in Shining Armor" is...

Severe Happyness

2008-11-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

Happyness is spelled with an "I", he says although i know this fact because i am not mentally retarded.
a lot has happened this year, with long lost loves falling out of love and seeing the world in the blink of an eye.

one of them was going to my first USC game on November 1st.

Goobs Forever

2008-10-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

From this day on, i Shall be one with you...I shall go hand in hand with yours

My goob, the ones eyes i look into and see the world

Best Forever Friends

2008-10-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

All in All finished in the end.
Get Ready to begin something new...

Lalalala

2008-08-02T12:41:00.001-07:00

Misty Woodard and Denise Yoval

Feelings are Supposed to Be Kept Locked -Part 2

2007-08-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

The school year had started to wind down and Denise and I remained good friends. By now, we were walking through the hall together after class, something that would get us both into "trouble" with our then intensely jealous girlfriends. The girl I was going out with at the time always said there was something about Denise that made Her different from the rest of my friends that happened to be girls, something that set Her apart, which was why she why she never liked Denise and was more jealous over Her than anyone else [something that would come into play the following year...], and, as bad as I feel saying it, she was right. Denise was special to me. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had tried not to feel that way about Her, I had a girlfriend, after all, but I couldn't help it. All I could do was hide my feelings from everyone, from Denise, from my girlfriend, from myself.

The year was almost over, and I was very worried. I was scared that Denise would become one of those friends you have for a year in class, then the next year you don't have in any classes together, so you stop talking to them. I didn't want our relationship to be that way. The school year ended for Denise and I without a goodbye hug. Summer started and I thought my feelings for Denise would disappear, considering we'd be going 3 months without seeing or speaking to each other. I missed Her, I always wanted to hang out with Her, or talk at the very least. But, I couldn't, so I locked my feelings up in the vault in the back of my mind...

On the first day of 11th grade, I looked for Denise in all my classes, hoping to have at least 1 with Her. I knew I had football 7th period, so that was out. I was taking Spanish 2, I doubted she would take it also. I had Anatomy 4th period and most people don't pick a science class as an elective, so I could pretty much rule that one out. That left English 11, Algebra 2, and US History. Denise was in AP US, so that was done, too. Of the 2 classes in common, we had neither together...

As previously stated, I had football 7th period. During 10th grade, in the very first game, first quarter, I was trying to make a tackle when I was tragically and terribly injured, never to return to the field. So in 11th grade, I was still kind of on the team, although I didn't practice. So another guy [annoying] and I took to wandering the hallways during 7th period. That may seem irrelevant, but only if you didn't know that Denise was an office TA 7th period, responsible for taking things to classrooms, via the hallways that I was also in. One day, a few months after school started, this annoying guy and I were walking in the upstairs 600 hundred building when we saw Denise coming up the stairs. The first thing I said to Her for 6 months wasn't even directly to Her. I told Mr. Annoying, "Oh, don't worry. It's just Denise." A huge smile spread across my face and Hers. We started to see each other in this way all the time. We frequently walked around campus together, and once again became close, and my feelings for Her shot through the roof. I was crazy about her. She knew I didn't do anything during 7th period, so She suggested I become a TA in the office with her, so we could hang out all the time. I said sure, but in my head I was screaming "YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!". We went into the office and asked around to see who wanted a TA. I was so excited to finally get to see Denise all the time; I was ecstatic, until I got shot down because NOBODY wanted a TA. My hopes were crushed; I acted like, "Oh well, whatever.." but on the inside I was so sad. I walked back to the gym building and stood in the hallway. 5 minutes later, in walks Denise with a single piece of paper. She hands it to me, a TA application form, and says that the AP secretary "wouldn't mind" having an aid. She started walking back to the office, "You're the best!" I shouted as she left.

All Started In English 10-Part 1 As told By Tanner Dodge

2007-08-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

Denise Yoval is hands-down, by far, THE most amazing person I have ever met. She makes me the happiest person in the universe. She is my girlfriend, my best friend, my wife [giggle], my whole world. She means so much to me She is the most important thing in my life, and I care so much about her, more than anything, even myself and my own personal safety and life. I would definitely, without hesitation, give that and everything else up for Her. Here is our story....I met Denise on the first day of my sophomore year in high school. Lunch had just ended, and I went to my 5th period English 10 class. I sat near the front because I got there a little early. By the time the bell rang, the class had about 50 people in it, because of mistakes in scheduling. Denise was one of these 50. A teacher came to help lighten the load of students, and started to count off, "1..2..1..2..1..2...". The person sitting next to me, quickly realizing what was going on, tried to switch seats with me to put himself in a position to be in a class with a friend. I don't know what it was, but something told me to refuse. The teacher counted me as a 2. She then announced that 2's would be leaving with her and the 1's would be staying. Apparently, Denise was also a 2. Talking to Her about that day now, she says she saw me as the teacher was counting and thought, "Ooo he's hot, I want to be in his class..." [whatever]. As I got up and started towards the door to go to the new classroom, my backpack unzipped and ALL of my stuff fell out, in front of a huge group of people. Talk about embarrassing. The rest of the 2's started walking to the other class while I picked up my things, causing me to be late upon arriving. As I entered the class, everyone had already sat down, so I picked the open seat right in front of me, by the door. Denise was in the seat next to me...Some time passed along in the school year, and Denise and I had become somewhat acquaintances, talking a little bit here and there. We were moved to yet another classroom, and Denise sat a seat away from to my left. A couple of weeks later we moved seats in the class. This became a regular thing in Mr. Lawrence's 5th period English 10. I don't remember where I sat the first few times we moved, but I know that one of them was behind Denise. I think this was still the seating arrangement on October 7th, 2005. That day, She was in somewhat of a dilemma, and chose me to talk about it with. We were outside the classroom waiting for a substitute teacher to arrive when She started talking to me. She had wanted to go to a show in San Diego, but Her ride was arriving at school before school ended, and She didn't know whether to just leave, or be good and stay. We got into class and She sat next to me. We talked the whole period, a first for us, and really opened up our personalities to each other. We exchanged phone numbers that day in class [soon to be deleted by our at-the-time "girlfriends"]. Denise ended up leaving school early, text messaging me Her progress after class. That one day is so significant because after it, Denise and I started talking a whole lot. We sat next to each other eventually, and we talked so much that Mr. Lawrence often told her to move away from me, an instruction She many times defied. We became good friends VERY quickly, at least, in my view we did. We were plagued by over-jealous girlfriends and couldn't really expand our relationship because of it. [Incase anybody other than Denise reads this, She isn't lesbian, but you might think so if you saw Her significant other at the time.] I had always wanted to see Her outside of class, but we couldn't, according to the "rules". We were stuck as in-class friends, although thoughts of Denise being more than that had already crossed my mind...